


Seeing Red

by chibi_tsukiko



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Malec, SO SORRY, Tags Are Hard, part 2 is more happy i promise, the first chapter is all angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi_tsukiko/pseuds/chibi_tsukiko
Summary: Grow up. He tells himself, but it falls on deaf ears. He’s seeing red and he just wants to know if Magnus is feeling anything.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 141





	1. Seeing Red

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Alec asks, throwing his arms out in exasperation.

“And what would you like me to say, Alexander?” Magnus retorts.

“Something! _Anything_! You haven’t said a word this whole time! You’ve just been, you’re just—“ Alec bites his tongue before the word gets passed his lips. _Maybe he’s overreacting_. It wouldn’t be the first time. He knows Magnus. He knows his calm demeanor is never an indicator of his feelings. Magnus is always calm. He rarely loses his temper. It’s one of the many things Alec admires about him, but not this time. This time, Alec watches Magnus lounge casually on the sofa sipping tea he summoned when they arrived, and he wants to scream.

“There’s nothing left to say. You already explained yourself, we took care of everything” Magnus says talking another long sip of tea and it takes everything in Alec not to rip the cup from his hands and throw it at the window. But he just stands and stares, clenching and unclenching his fists. _Grow up_. He tells himself, but it falls on deaf ears. He’s seeing red and he just wants to know if Magnus is feeling anything.

_How can you say that? Why are you saying that? There’s so much you want to say. I saw it on your face the second you found us. But you said nothing. I need you to say something. Please. Anything. Scream at me. Tell me you’re angry with me. Tell me I was reckless. Tell me it scared you. I need to know. I need to hear it._

Alec watches as Magnus’ eyes scan him, carding through him, and reading him like a neon billboard sign. He wonders what that’s like. There are moments where he can look at Magnus and he sees through all the walls he’s built up. He can see the broken shards that have been put back together century after century, like beautiful stained glass. Then there are moments like this, where Alec looks at Magnus and it’s like staring into a void. This is when the centuries between them weigh the hardest on Alecs shoulders.

Magnus let’s out a small sigh and sets the cup of tea down on the coffee table in front of him. “Listen, it’s been a long night, we’re both tired, why don’t we head to bed and we can—“

“No!” Alec shouts and Magnus’ eyes go wide. For a moment, Alec wants to apologize, tell Magnus he’s right, and just go to bed. But then he watches Magnus’ shoulders sag and hears another sigh as he stands, and it ignites the frustration in Alec all over again.

“I’m not sure what you’re looking for, Alexander” Magnus says as he walks into the kitchen, dumping the rest of his tea in the sink.

Magnus rarely does things the mundane way, and Alec doesn’t miss the way his hand twitches at his side. A clear indication that he’s not as calm as he’s pretending to be. And Alec wants nothing more than to smooth out the crease in his brow, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He tries to steady his voice to match Magnus’ tone.

“You really have nothing to say?” he asks. 

Magnus stares at him for a moment, leaning his hip against the counter. “What is there _to_ say? This isn’t the first time I’ve found you on the brink of death and it won’t be the last. You’re a soldier and as you yourself have told me, ‘this is what you do’ I’ve known that from the beginning. I’ve seen your self-sacrificing nature first- hand Alexander. So forgive me if I’m just unsure of what more there is to say about it.”

Alec isn’t entirely sure himself. He knows he made a stupid decision tonight. He knows he was in over his head. And he knows what Magnus is saying, but all he can hear is “ _I’ve already accepted your inevitable death_.”

Magnus sighs again and rakes his hand through his hair, removing the gel and letting the strands flop across his forehead. “I’m going to bed,” his voice quiet and defeated. “You should get some rest too.”

But Alec barely hears it. He’s already turned his back to Magnus, making his way back into the sitting area. He grabs his bow and quiver off the floor and stalks towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Magnus calls out after him, there’s an edge to his voice, but Alec ignores it.

“The Institute,” he says, pulling the door open. “Don’t wait up.” he shuts the door behind him, but not before he hears the broken whisper of his name behind him that shatters his heart.


	2. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited part 2! Posted this on Tumblr a while ago and forgot to post it here! I'm so sorry!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> This is more PG13 than the first chapter.  
> Contains mild sexual content (making out) & hints of panic attacks.  
> PLEASE BE ADVISED AS YOU CONTINUE**

The click of the door sends a shock wave of silence through the loft, tipping the balance of Magnus’ heart, submerging him in ice.

_He left. Alec… left… He made Alec…_

Magnus gasps, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Slowly, reality prickles back into focus. It’s then that Magnus realizes he standing in the dark. In the shock of Alecs storm out, he must have blown the lights out. The moonlight from the window behind him cast his shadow along the floor, highlighting the emptiness. He doesn’t know how long he’s been standing frozen. All he feels is the silence. It makes the hairs on the nape of his neck stand up. Silence is dangerous.

He moves his hand to bring the lights back on and the moonlight catches the rings on his fingers. And all at once he’s back in the alley. The glowing seraph blades, the screech of demons, Alec’s breathless pleas as Magnus presses harder on the wound, crimson leaking between his fingers.

In a flurry, Magnus turns to the bathroom, catching himself as his leg rams into the end of the couch. He fumbles with the light switch and the second his eyes adjust to the intrusion of fluorescent light, he inspects his hands. They’re shaking, nearly raw from the amount of times he scrubbed them, his nail polish chipped and peeling, but they’re clean. He turns to leave, but notices a smudge of dried blood on the stone of his ring and he feels sick.

He removes the silver accessories and drops them into the bowl on his dresser with a chorus of clunks before shuffling back out into the sitting area. He snaps on the lamp next to the chair, surrounding the space in a warm orange hue. He rubs his hands over his face and through his hair. _Get a hold of yourself_ , he thinks. In the back of his mind, he can still hear the sounds of the battle. Jace screaming at him to do something while his own mind screamed at him to focus, to work better, _faster_ , or he would lose everything. _I just might of_ , he says to himself.

He pulls out his phone, tapping the screen to check it. _1:30am. No messages._ He wasn’t expecting any, but he still feels a pang in his chest. He sighs and flops down into the chair, gripping the ends of the armrests, desperate to ground himself. He focuses on his breathing and the low thrumming of his heart. Moments later, he reaches over and taps the screen of his phone again. _2:19am. No messages._ He sighs, leaning his head back, and pinches the bridge of his nose.

 _Don’t wait up._ That’s what Alec had said, and Magnus chuckles to himself because he is _always_ waiting. Waiting for change, for peace, for acceptance, and more recently, for Alec to decide, like all the rest, that Magnus is too much.

_You’re so pathetic._

Camilles voice drags like nails across the back of his skull. He’s quickly reminded of the times he wasted waiting for her. _Did you honestly think this would last?_ She coos and Magnus leans forward, shaking her voice away. It’s not that he thought it would last. He’s learned better than to think too far into the future. But he _hopes_. Above any and everything he’s been through, Magnus still hopes. And tonight, Magnus had almost lost his hope. And in his state of shock, he was blind to what Alec needed, and pushed him away. _Perhaps it’s not enough to hope,_ he thinks. _Perhaps hope requires action_. 

He reaches back towards his phone, unlocking it, and opens to Alecs number. He nearly drops the device when he feels the push against his wards. He looks up just as the door creaks open, a tall slender shadow slipping through the crack before closing it quietly.

Alec leans his bow and quiver against the entryway table and slowly steps in, stopping the second his eyes catch the light. He looks stunned for a moment and shifts from side to side, looking down at the floor, unsure of his next move. Magnus half wonders if he’s fallen asleep in his chair, and this is just something his mind has conjured up to mess with him. But then Alec speaks, his voice quiet with a slight tremor in it, and it shakes Magnus to his core.

“I uh…” Alec starts. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still be… I… I had a feeling you might be and” Magnus watches him fiddle with the zipper at the end of his jacket, a far cry from the clenching fists he had been doing earlier. _He’s nervous_. And Magnus wants to laugh. But he’s not sure if he can move.

“I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t coming back.” Alec finishes looking up to meet Magnus’ gaze. Magnus stares in disbelief. _Say something, you need to say something._

“Magnus?”

And suddenly he’s in motion, standing from the chair, and crossing the room in a few long strides. His hands reach up to cup Alecs face and he crashes their lips together. Hard. He hears Alec gasp and still against him, but then Alec’s kissing him back, strong and desperate. His hands grab at Magnus’ waist, pulling him closer. Their steps falter a bit at the sheer force of their movement and Alec is quick to pivot them, pinning Magnus between the wall and himself.

Magnus’ hands roam all over Alec’s body. Around his shoulders, down his chest, clutching at him, desperately trying to pull him closer. Alec moves to trail kisses down Magnus’ neck, moving up to suck at his pulse point, nipping at the red, tender skin. Magnus gasps, moving his hands back up to tangle in Alec’s hair. In the back of his mind, he knows that they need to talk about what happened, but not now. He’s too overcome with Alec. He kisses him again, biting at his bottom lip. Alec groans, crowding Magnus further against the wall. Magnus drags his tongue over the freshly bitten skin, swallowing Alecs next moan. Alec snakes a hand up the back of Magnus’s shirt, his other hand moving to unbutton the front, exposing miles of soft bronze skin. His lips are hot and Magnus shivers as Alec mouths along his collarbone. He wraps his hand around the back of Alecs neck, pulling him closer, urging him on. Alec steps in between his legs and he grinds down on Alecs thigh, reveling in the friction. He continues grasping at Alec, pressing himself closer and closer. He wants Alec to press bruises into his skin. He just needs to feel him, to touch him, to taste him.

Alec. _His_ Alec, who he almost lost tonight, _twice_. His Alec, who even in the throes of anger still put others before himself. His Alec who came back. _Alec, Alec, Alec._

“I’m here,” Alec breathes, trailing kisses along his jaw. Magnus blinks, realizing he must have been saying Alecs name aloud. “I’m here” he whispers again against Magnus’ lips.

“You came back,” Magnus says, unable to hide the surprise in his voice.

Alec pulls back, his blue eyes piercing. “Always,” he says, and Magnus can hear no trace of hesitation. “ _Always_ , Magnus, always,” he says again like a promise peppering kisses over Magnus’ face. And just like that, Camilles taunting voice and centuries of heartache are dust in the shadows. Magnus cups Alecs face so he can press their lips together again. He pushes himself off the wall, continuing to kiss Alec as he leads them towards the bedroom. He knows this isn’t what they should do, but Magnus has never done well at saying ‘no’ to something he wants.

* * *

“I thought I was going to lose you,” Magnus whispers later when the early morning light is streaming in from the window, his head on Alec’s chest. He waits for a moment to see if Alec is asleep. When he feels him shift slightly beneath him, he continues.

“I thought I was going to lose you,” he says again, “and it terrified me.” He feels Alec’s arm tighten around his waist, but continues on before he loses his nerve. “I’m always afraid, every mission, every alert, every time you walk out that door without me, I’m afraid that you may not come back.”

“Magnus…” Alec says, but Magnus presses on.

“I’ll never understand how I got you to fall in love with me and I try to tell myself that if I, _this,_ ever becomes too much for you and you leave,” he feels Alec tense underneath him, “that I will understand and I won’t stop you.” He moves to sit up on his elbow so he can lean over Alec, placing his hand on Alecs cheek. “But it’s a lie,” he says.

“I don’t want to lose you Alexander. Not now. Not ever. I know that this is who you are. You are a Shadowhunter, one of the best I’ve seen, and I would never want you to be anything other than who you are. I know you are more than capable, but it’s different when you leave for a mission and I wait here for your safe return. Last night, I was _there_. I was right beside you and I almost lost you. I was terrified, and all I could see was red.”

Alec turns to press a kiss to Magnus’ palm. “I’m sorry,” he says and Magnus shakes his head. “It’s one thing to run towards danger headfirst,” Alec continues, “it’s another thing to just be reckless.”

“Alexander,” Magnus starts, not wanting Alec to misinterpret what he had been wanting to say, but Alec continues.

“I don’t always realize,” he bites his lip, trying to form the right words. “It’s hard for me to differentiate between the two. I just want to protect the people I love. I don’t want to lose anyone I love and,” he reaches up to brush a lock of Magnus’ hair away from his face, “I just want to be someone worthy enough to come home to you.”

Magnus eyes go wide. “Oh _Alexander_ ,” he breathes, grabbing his face and leaning down to kiss him. “Darling, you are. You are _everything_.”

Alec gives him a sweet side smile. “Promise me something?” he asks.

“Anything.”

“Promise me the next time I scare you, you’ll tell me. I’d rather you get angry at me than shut me out.”

“Old habits are hard to break darling,” Magnus says leaning down to kiss Alec again, “but I promise I will try.”

“Good,” Alec smiles. “And no matter what happens Magnus, I will always, _always_ , come home to you.”

“Always,” Magnus echos, his chest full to burst.

Alec pulls him back down into a soft kiss. “Always,” he says again, cementing the promise in Magnus’ heart. “I love you Magnus.”

“I love you too Alexander,” Magnus says pressing a kiss to Alecs heart, “so much.” Laying his head back down on Alec’s chest, Magnus drifts off to sleep listening to the sound of his hopes steady breaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Come find me on tumblr! @chibi-tsukiko <3

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first angst piece...I hope you like it!
> 
> Part 2 coming soon!! 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @chibi-tsukiko! ♥️


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